We’ve all been there. Fall in love, hang out there for awhile, a few months or years later, it falls apart, we break up, and then spend the next 2 years or more going back and forth, back and forth. We’re together, we’re not, we’re together, we’re not. It really is just a vicious cycle after awhile and one that we actually get so accustomed to, we just keep living it and hanging on to it. But why do we keep going back and how do we stop this cycle?
Going back to anything is done from our comfort zone. It was comfortable, we were safe there and we like to stay there. We don’t necessarily like it but change is far scarier. So we go back and forth. For a very long time. How do we stop this and why should we anyway?
1. Going back means back to the same old things.
If you think anything has changed you’re fooling yourself. We go back with empty promises of love and promises to do and be better. That usually lasts anywhere from 3-8 months before it all falls apart and goes right back to how it was. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Change has to take place inside and has to be sincere and assured. But you both have to want to change things that aren’t working or even toxic behaviours that maybe you are displaying (anger issues, lying issues, etc.). If neither one of you are ready to make these changes, you are going back to the same old stuff. What’s the point?
2. It’s time for something new.
By new I don’t just mean new partner. I mean new life. Going back brings you back to the old. It will be all fun and exciting an d new for the first few months but eventually you will end up with the same old routine you left. New is stepping out of and away from the safe zone. You know you want something new and better and different but you will never have it if you keep going back. Start moving forward instead and watch what happens.
3. Self worth and values will never grow.
If you left due to values and self worth issues, they will not change or grow if you keep going back. You left because you were being mentally, verbally and or emotionally abused. You were not treated with the respect, love and care you deserve. If your partner hasn’t changed or sought help for this bullying, you are just going back to the same treatment. It didn’t go away when you left. It’s still there and will always be there until it is fixed.
Your partner has agreed and promised to do better. Many many times and you keep believing him/her, you go back and nothing has changed. You stay for a year, leave again, same promises, and you go back, repeat. See the pattern? Why should they change? You keep believing their empty promises which means the behaviour never has to change because you will return no matter what, even on false promises and they know that. This will never end. Why should it? They win, no matter what. Put your foot down and leave for good. Stop enabling lying behaviour.
5. You’re keeping yourself from a beautiful happy life.
And we all deserve happiness. All of us. The happiness you seek and deserve will never be found in the partner you keep returning to and you know that. Why did you leave and why do you keep leaving in the first place? If you were and are happy in that relationship, you would never leave anyway, so what makes you leave? You leave because you aren’t happy. Plain and simple. You won’t get happiness there. It’s an inside job.
Going back and forth with your ex is really just a waste of time if neither one of you have taken measures to improve your lives in any way shape or form. If you want to stay together, then work together to improve and work on the problems you two are experiencing. If only one of you is making changes and the other isn’t, that’s not a relationship. you are worthy of love and happiness. Make sure you seek it from within and walk away from anything that keeps you from that.